Intermission: An Announcement

9 weeks. That’s a long time, and we’re still only just barely out of what I’d originally mapped as “Episode 2”.

Formatting Alice and the Pale Horse seemed like a simple copy paste job at first, but since then has become much more. Every week I restructure entire sections and add entirely new descriptions to better serve the current platform. My hope is that this extra work has made this work more accessible to you, the readers.

More than 200 pages have already been written for Alice and the Pale Horse. They await the same treatment as the previous pages have received. It’s not a question of if the pages exist or if future blog posts will happen, but when.

Speaking as myself, Crasherfly, the author of this whole thing- I’ve always told myself I’d continue this project for as long as it gives me joy. And if it doesn’t spark joy, then I’d set it off to the side and do something that does. This might sound flighty, but in truth this is the best promise I can keep to myself- that I will take breaks as I need to so as to protect the future of Alice and the Pale Horse. Because Alice’s story is important. It deserves to be shared. And, look, I might be biased- but I think it’s pretty fucking good and imaginative and worthy of being read.

In truth, the past few weeks have been really hard on me, emotionally and physically. I’ve had some health complications that aren’t worth getting into in this space (for more, you’re always welcome to track me down on Twitter or Tumblr) and in turn those have severely impacted my emotional health. I powered through Alice the past several weeks through sheer force of will. I even expanded to sharing and editing yet another version of Reddit. But for this week, at least, I’ve run out of gas. I made it about halfway through Episode 10 before realizing I just couldn’t get us over the finish line this week, and that’s okay.

I’m sure there were folks who thought this might happen sooner or later. So, congrats- if you had Week 10, I hope your payout was handsome!

I’ve had many long evenings to spend alone, in completely dark rooms listening to baseball games as my brain whirls away. Many sleepless nights and unnaturally early mornings to think about what Alice is and why I started writing it. What its lack of warm reception means. What the story reflects about me as a writer and a person. When you’ve given up every worldly vice (aside from ice cream) out of sheer anxiousness, the last two left to you are fear and overthinking. I indulge in both nightly.

And of course, I have thoughts about what Alice and the Pale Horse actually is.

When I think about what Alice and the Pale Horse is about, the first word that comes to mind is “silence”. Every character we meet is struggling with an unbearable silence that has made them the way they are. Whether it is Alice’s desire for the “Great Silence” that brings an end to all things, or the Pale Horse’s quiet mourning of the silence left behind by his mysterious former rider, silence is the violent force that hangs over every moment of Alice and the Pale Horse.

The responses to Alice to this point have mostly been defined in that same theme of silence. I’ve had a few readers reach out to thank me for sharing- specifically during the first couple of episodes. I’ve had several more well-intentioned folks say they’re glad I’m writing the thing- even if they haven’t read it. I’ve had one particularly blessed soul actually interact with my work several weeks and ask me several probing questions, which brought me untold joy.

But much as I try to ignore the traffic reports and the glaring omissions of acquaintances who know I’m writing and have yet to say even two words about it, it’s hard. It weighs on you when you’re writing for, at best, an audience of two. And as appreciated and important as those two solitary audience members are- it’s hard to pour your time, love and soul into something knowing it’ll largely be ignored. It’s hard to commit to quality when you are fairly certain that what you are working on will go unseen. It’s hard to take pride in a project that is largely received as a burden by others.

I have incredibly talented friends who have powered through low audience hurdles for years. I don’t know how they do it, except that they must love what they do very much. I don’t expect sympathy. Resilience must come with the territory, and as I’ve learned with other mediums (be it theatre or film), my own tolerance for silence is fairly low. It’s just the way I am. Born a Capricorn/Capricorn. Born “sensitive”. Born with a need to combat silence yet utterly incapable of weathering the price of breaking past it. I need assurance but lack the strength and presence of mind to reciprocate it. The anxious snake devouring its own tail.

There’s a lot of Alice (the character) in me, after all, I think.

So all this to say I’ll come back to this when I come back to it. I’d like to believe it will be next week. I ran a poll and received a 50/50 response across two solitary voters saying the episodes are either too long or just right, so maybe when I return I’ll continue at a shorter clip and see if that draws folks in. If nothing else, it’ll be an easier load for me to manage.

But if I’m not back next week, know that I haven’t abandoned the story, and know that I’m stepping back from a great many things right now. Things that I enjoy, love, even, if you believe in that sort of thing. This happens sometimes. Usually in August, for some reason. Not sure why that is. But here we are.

Know that I’m doing my best, regardless of the gloomy talk, to power through. I have a good support system in place. I have good habits established. I have people who listen and support me. I’m not in danger. I’m just very, very tired. I hope to come back better rested- and hopefully a bit sharper.

Stay well. Be good to each other. And catch up on past episodes- now’s a great chance if you haven’t!